First step to recovery
by SoFeelingTheLove
Summary: Erin needs some help finding the will to fight through the darkness. Will Jay be able to reach her before she loses herself? Post-season 2 finale.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, guys! This is my first Chicago PD story. I had this idea that wouldn't leave me alone since I watched the finale, and when I started writing it turned into a 4-chapter story. It focuses on Jay and his attempts to help Erin,although I'd love to see Jay and Voight working together on this in** **s3**. **Voight is too difficult for me to write, though, but he does make an appearance or two. I hope I managed to write everyone in character and I hope you'll like it!  
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It was one of those mornings when each member of the Intelligence Unit seemed to be unable to focus on work. Adam was still blissfully distracted by the events of the previous night, which had ended with a ring on Kim's finger. They had decided to keep the engagement quiet for a couple of days, taking their time to process it before telling their colleagues. Adding the fact that Kim was back on patrol and focusing on work was almost impossible for Adam. Alvin was overwhelmed by the news that he had a long-lost daughter and he was absentmindedly staring at his coffee mug. Antonio was excited about the finalization of the boxing gym deal. Kevin was so happy to be back upstairs that he couldn't stop fidgeting in his seat. And Jay…Jay was preoccupied thinking about Erin and her absence from the desk across from him.

His mind wandered back to the previous day. He was still trying to comprehend the scene he had witnessed in her apartment, her tending to a guy who had obviously been with her when she was ambushed by the corrupt cops. He had been so worried about her safety, but now that he knew she hadn't been harmed, he couldn't help but feel a little jealous and he knew he had a reason to be judging by the guilty look in Erin's eyes.

However, he found himself feeling more worried than jealous. He had seen the pain in her eyes when he had tried to reach out to her at the district and it was killing him to know that she was suffering and not letting him in. He couldn't judge her and be mad at her for whatever happened with that guy, not until he knew the whole story. And not when he knew how broken she was and how she was doing everything in her power to push the pain away, shut the world out and forget everything that was going on. That was how Erin handled difficult situations – by avoiding them altogether. It was what the world she grew up in taught her – being vulnerable and dealing with pain meant being weak. And it was what made him so worried – given her past, he was afraid she could go down the wrong path in an attempt to handle it all.

Jay, along with everyone else, snapped back to reality when he saw Voight coming up the stairs. He seemed tense and worried and the fact that he was running a few minutes late suggested that there was something serious going on. Hank Voight was many things, but late was never one of them and everyone at the 21st District knew that.  
Hank stopped in front of Erin's desk and stared at it for a few seconds before turning to face the unit. "Erin quit."

A collective "what?" echoed through the bullpen, shock and concern visible on each face.

"She's a real mess." – It was all he managed to say, not knowing how to explain the situation to his unit because he himself was still trying to figure it out. "We don't have a case right now, so everybody find a way to be useful and fill out some paperwork. If nothing comes up we can leave early today. "

The tone of the sergeant's voice, somehow quieter and gentler than usual made the situation that much more real and worrying for the team. He nodded at them and headed to his office.

Jay, who was almost in a trance, got up immediately to follow. He felt dizzy with the new information, which, combined with his earlier thoughts about Erin, overwhelmed him and for a moment he wasn't sure if he would be able to walk to Voight's office without stumbling. Somehow he managed to get his bearings and followed his boss through the door, closing it so that they could talk in private.

"Sarge, what the hell happened?" – The words flew from Jay's mouth, harsh and dripping with worry he couldn't possibly contain.

Hank sighed loudly and sat down in his chair, motioning for Jay to sit across from him.

"I saw her in Bunny's bar. Said she's bad news and that the people she cares about get hurt because of her. Then she handed me this." – He took out Erin's badge from his pocket and put it on the desk.

Jay shook his head, briefly closing his eyes to prevent tears from forming. He knew Erin was blaming herself for Nadia's death and he had tried to assure her that none of it was her fault. But she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and his heart broke at the thought of her being so hard on herself.

"Bunny's taking advantage of the situation. I tried to get Erin out of there, but she didn't listen to a word I said. She's closing herself off, Jay. "

Jay, who had been staring at his partner's badge, looked up at the mention of his first name, a rare thing coming from Voight. He knew his boss was the father figure in Erin's life but up until now, that had partly made him angry because Voight didn't approve of them being together and he never understood why. But looking at him now, Jay didn't see his boss who had ordered him to 'keep it in his pants'. He saw a father, a concerned man who loved Erin and was willing to fight for her as much as Jay himself was.

"I'll go over there right now." – Jay went to stand up, but was stopped by Hank's rough, urgent voice.

"Halstead. Give her a few hours and go after shift. If you go now we'll overwhelm her and it'll do more harm than good."

As much as Jay wanted to go to Erin right away, he knew Voight was right. They would achieve nothing by pushing her.

"Try the bar tonight and if she's not there, call me. I'm worried about her, Jay."

"Me too, Sarge. She hasn't really talked to me in a while, either."

"Well, we'll just have to find a way to get through to her."

Hank returned Jay's nod and watched him leave the office, sighing again. It was the first time that he and Jay were on the same page concerning Erin. He had warned them time and again that romance was off the table while they were both working in his unit, but deep down he had known for a while that Jay was the only other person, besides himself, who cared so much about Erin. After the encounter at the bar earlier this morning, he knew he needed to tell Jay what was going on and allow him to help.

Of course, Hank wasn't ever going to give up on Erin, but their long history was making it harder for him to get his point across. Even though Erin was 30 years old, on some level he still thought of her as the teenage girl he once took in and she still saw him as the man who saved her. And Bunny certainly wasn't helping the situation, taking advantage of her daughter's vulnerable state in order to come between them and regain control over Erin's life.

The fact that Jay was not a part of that whole story made Hank hope that the young detective would at least be more successful in talking to Erin. He knew she had a long way to recovery but she needed guidance and support to take that first step and if Jay Halstead was able to give her that and actually get through to her, for once Hank was willing to let him.

-

As predicted, the day had been uneventful but stressful for the whole unit and everyone was relieved that they got to leave work early. Throwing one last glance at Voight, Jay nodded at him, wordlessly promising to call him with an update on Erin. Then he hurried down to his car and it took him all he had not to drive over the speed limit on the way to Bunny's bar. So many thoughts swirled in his head and he had a hard time focusing on the road while wondering what state he would find Erin in, if she was even still there.

He had been unable to clear his head the entire day and had basically been useless to the team, having barely filled out any paperwork, but he couldn't care less about that now. The conversation with Voight was stuck in his head. Hank admitting that he needed his help didn't surprise him like he thought it would have. It just made him that much more worried about Erin, because he knew if Hank allowed him to help it meant he didn't have a clear plan, and he _always_ had one.  
At this moment, it didn't matter what Hank thought about Jay's relationship with Erin, because she needed support from both of them, in different ways.

Without even realizing it, Jay had ended up in front of Bunny's bar. Taking a deep breath, he quickly parked and locked his car and went inside. The first thing he noticed was Bunny herself, serving beer and cheerfully chatting with customers. He gritted his teeth at the sight of her. He didn't know her but then again, he didn't want to – he had heard and he had recently seen enough to know she wasn't someone Erin needed in her life, ever.

Trying to control the sudden anger that coursed through his veins, he looked around hoping to see Erin. He almost did a double-take, however, when he noticed the slumped figure sitting alone at one of the tables, empty shot glasses scattered around her. Although he couldn't see her face because her head was resting on her folded arms on top of the table, it was undoubtedly Erin. What scared him was the fact that she didn't seem to be moving. Jay hurried over to her, feeling his pulse throbbing in his ears.

"Erin?" – As the words left his lips, he couldn't recognize his own voice, higher in pitch and cracking with emotion. To his mild relief, she reacted, proving that she was conscious. Her head lifted from her arms, that simple movement seeming to cost her so much energy and effort. One look into her dazed, glassy eyes and Jay realized she was drunk out of her mind.

"Jay? What… are you doing here?" – Her speech was slurred but at least she recognized him. He wasn't sure if alcohol was all she had in her system.

"I'm taking you home. Come on." – Somehow managing to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat, Jay used the softest tone of his voice while reaching out and gently grabbing her forearm. Before he could help her stand up, however, he saw movement out of the corner of his eye and then Bunny appeared in front of him, trying to stand between him and Erin.

"What do you think you're doing?"

Jay shut his eyes for a second, breathing deeply and desperately trying to keep his cool.

"I'm taking _your daughter_ home."

"No, Jay…" – Erin tried to object, but Jay ignored her and focused on Bunny, who apparently wasn't done talking.

"You heard her. She's not going anywhere with you, detective. She quit, remember?"

Jay was sure smoke must be coming out of his ears. Bunny was really pushing his buttons and his patience was minimal. He just wanted to get Erin out of there.

"And I'm sure that's just what you want. She may have quit, but she is still my partner. So do yourself a favor and step aside right now. "

"I'm going to call the police."

Jay couldn't help but laugh, lifting up his shirt to show the badge clipped to his belt.

"Yeah, why don't you give that a try? But first, step aside. Erin needs to get some sleep and she sure as hell won't do it on this table." – His voice was deep and dripping with hatred. He wasn't going to let Bunny keep him from helping Erin, even if it meant moving her himself.

There was no need for that, however, because she stepped out of his way reluctantly, clearly taken aback by his outburst. Jay's demeanor changed instantly as he was once again met with Erin's confused eyes.

"Hey. My car's right outside. Let's go."

"No, Jay… leave me alone." – She tried to fight him but she was too out of it to actually get her way.

"Erin, you can't fight me on this. Please just come with me."

Jay was too emotionally drained to argue with her properly, and he knew it was pointless anyway – she was too drunk to be her usual tough self. If she had been sober, she could have put up a fight, but this was not the case. Hearing her sigh, he knew he had managed to convince her and the tiniest bit of relief flowed through him.

"Want me to carry you to the car?"

"No, no. I can walk. I'm good." – Jay's heart clenched again at the sound of her slurred speech. She was anything but 'good' but he decided to try and help her walk, knowing it could maybe sober her up a bit.

"Okay. Come on, here we go."

Taking hold of her hands, he helped her stand and once she was on her feet, he quickly sneaked one of his arms behind her back while keeping a firm grip on her forearm with the other. They managed to exit the bar but as soon as they did, Erin hastily removed herself from Jay's hold and fell to her knees, vomiting on the ground.

"Er." - Jay whispered affectionately and knelt down beside her, one hand gathering her hair away from her face while the other gently rubbed circles on her back. He felt helpless as she emptied the contents of her stomach, and he silently cursed himself for not noticing the state she was in sooner.

The sound of footsteps behind them made him whip his head around, only to wish he hadn't. Bunny was there again, holding a wet washcloth in her hand. She kneeled on the other side of Erin, holding the material out in front of her.

"Here, honey. Clean yourself up."

That was when Jay had finally had enough. While still keeping a protective arm around Erin, he reached in front of her and snatched the washcloth from Bunny's hand.

"Get the hell away from her."

He then helped Erin back to her feet and slowly guided her to the car, sitting her down in the passenger seat and securing her with the seatbelt. He tenderly wiped her face with the wet cloth, making her look up at him. Although her eyes were still dazed, they were now filled with the desperation and pain she'd tried so hard to hide from everyone, including herself.

"I just need a sec and then I'm taking you home, okay?"

Seeing her nod, he gently kissed her forehead and then moved away, closing the door on her side of the car. Turning back, he saw Bunny still standing in the bar's doorway.

"I'm only going to say this once. If I ever see you anywhere near Erin again, or if I find out you've tried to contact her, you'll have to answer to me."

"You can't stop me from seeing her."

"Try me. I promise it won't end well for you."– He took a deep breath, pausing for a second. - "Her whole life she's thought she's bad news because she was born into it. Because of how you treated her when all she ever wanted from you was to be her mother. But instead, you ruined her childhood and damaged her. So you don't get to come into the picture now and say that she needs family. Taking advantage of her vulnerability so that you can stick it to Hank Voight, instead of helping her get through this, is not what family does. "

Jay paused again, swallowing hard and feeling tears well in his eyes.

"Erin got a chance to start over, to make something of herself and she did it. I'm not about to let you take that away from her. You are not her family, and you never deserved to be." – With that, he turned around, got into his car and without looking back, drove off. 

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**Well, this is the first chapter. I know that on the show, s3 probably won't pick up the day s2 left off, but I really wanted to include Jay and Voight's reaction to Erin quitting. Since this is my first attempt at writing about Chicago PD, I wasn't able to focus on the other members of the Unit, but maybe in the future if I feel inspired :)**  
 **Reviews are appreciated! If you have advice or critique for me, don't hesitate to share it so that I can take notes and try to improve my writing :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys! Thank you so much to everyone for the kind reviews, it means a lot to me! :) Here's the next chapter, I hope you enjoy it :)**

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Driving was proving to be difficult for Jay for the second time that night. He was constantly looking to his right to check up on Erin while trying to focus on the road, the fact that he had managed to get her to come with him doing little to ease his concern.

"Er, you feeling okay?"

" 'm fine."

"Tell me if you feel sick, okay?"

"Mhm."

Worried that she might feel nauseated, Jay tried to drive carefully and at a reasonable speed. The drive to Erin's apartment seemed to take forever when in fact it was only about 15 minutes. He parked in Erin's spot, since her car was still in front of Bunny's bar, and turned to talk to her.

"Hey, you're home. Let's get you upstairs."

Erin lifted her head from where it rested on the window and looked at her apartment building. Her gaze traveled up to the windows of her living room and suddenly the fog of her drunken state lifted and she was pulled back to reality.

"No. Jay, I can't go in there. I don't want to… Too many memories."

Her speech was still slurred but she was nowhere near as drunk as she had been when Jay had found her. The alcohol made her talkative, though, and she was finally admitting things that she had been trying to avoid since Nadia's death. She had tried to be strong and continue living at her apartment as though nothing had changed, but it was impossible. She saw Nadia's body, broken and lifeless, everywhere she looked, in every corner of every room. Even when she had been drunk with Landon, she had tried to block out those images and not let them get to her, ignoring the way the alcohol was playing with her emotions. She was drinking to forget, not to remember.

This night was different. She had had such a rough couple of days, she had decided to distance herself from the Intelligence unit to protect them, she had just quit her job. But now Jay was here and as much as she didn't want to _feel_ , his presence mixed with the alcohol in her system somehow threatened to crumble the walls she had built around herself.

It only took Jay one glance to his right to realize that she was on the verge of losing it. The deep green shade of her eyes that he had come to love was clouded with a desperation he never wanted to see. Hesitantly, he reached over and gently grazed her hand with his fingers, and his own eyes filled with tears when he felt her twitch. He couldn't bear seeing the woman he cared so deeply about in such distress and it pained him that she was trying to handle it all by herself.

"We'll go to my place then, alright?"

For the third time that night, he felt slightly relieved when she nodded without putting up a fight. He didn't want to take advantage of her drunken state but if it meant her allowing him to help her and sharing with him just a little bit of the weight she carried, he would seize the opportunity.

It took them another 15 minutes to get to Jay's apartment. He exited the car first and went to open the door on Erin's side. She was struggling with her seatbelt so he leaned over her, unfastened it and helped her out of the car. She wobbled slightly and he hugged her to himself, letting her lean on him and walking slowly into the building. The elevator ride made her nausea return and he was glad when they finally arrived at his apartment door. Quickly unlocking it, he led Erin inside and helped her to the bathroom, where she emptied her stomach once again.

He saw tears trailing down her cheeks and when she was done, he let her fall back against him. The defeated whimper that escaped her lips would be etched in his mind forever.

"Jay…" – She was so exhausted, physically and emotionally spent and barely keeping it together.

"Shhh, Er, you're gonna get through this. I promise. Shhhh."

He got up to get a towel from the cupboard and knelt back down, clutching Erin with one hand while gently wiping her face with the other. Jay wanted to talk to her more, to tell her none of it was her fault, but he knew it wasn't the time for that. She needed to rest and he wouldn't push her further tonight. It was enough that she had come to his apartment willingly.  
There was only one question that couldn't wait until morning.

"Erin, listen to me. This is important. Did you take anything other than alcohol? Pills, something else? Please, if you did, you need to tell me because it could be dangerous."

"No. I swear I didn't." – One look into her eyes and Jay knew she was telling the truth. In her state, she didn't have the strength to lie. Releasing the breath he had been holding, he decided it was time to call it a night.

"Okay. Come on, let's get you to bed."

He helped her to her feet, but she was too tired to walk and she slumped against him. So Jay wordlessly picked her up in his arms and took her to his bedroom, sitting her on the bed. He rummaged through his dresser and found a Blackhawks jersey for her to sleep in.

"Erin, let's just change you out of these clothes and you can go to sleep, okay?"

She nodded, barely keeping her head up, and didn't fight him when he helped her put on his T-shirt and removed her jeans. She was just _so tired_.

Jay arranged the pillows, stacking them higher than usual against the headboard, knowing that she would feel sick again if she was lying down, and then allowed her to settle against them, covering her with a blanket and kissing her forehead.

"I'll get you a bucket just in case."

He went to the bathroom and was back in no time, setting the bucket next to the nightstand. When he looked up at Erin, she was already asleep. He sighed and rubbed his eyes, red and puffy from the night's emotions, and went to the living room to call Voight and update him on the situation. After the short conversation, he came back into the bedroom and settled down on the other side of the bed. Sitting up against the headboard, still in his clothes, he took one last look at Erin and allowed his eyes to close.

-

The next morning, Jay woke up to the sound of his phone ringing. He ran a hand over his face, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and looked at the alarm clock on his nightstand, realizing that it was his usual time to go to work. He reached for his phone to see that Voight was calling him. Looking to his right, Jay saw that Erin hadn't even stirred, so he quickly got up and went to the living room to talk.

"Sarge."

"Halstead, how's it going?"

"She's still sleeping. Didn't wake up at all during the night." – Although Jay had been asleep, his days in the military had taught him to always be alert, so even the slightest sound or movement could wake him up. That's how he knew Erin had gotten a full night of sleep.

"Good."

"Sarge, I…"

"Jay, take the day off and stay with her. Try to get her to talk and call me if anything happens."

Jay was grateful that Voight was still on the same page as him. He was just about to say that he really didn't think leaving Erin would be a good idea, and he was glad that his boss was thinking the same.

"Okay. Thanks, Sarge."

Erin woke up a couple of hours after that. She looked around and it took her awhile to realize she was in Jay's bed. She groaned as the previous night's events rushed back to her, and she felt the need to leave as soon as possible. She didn't want to be around Jay, not when he made her feel and think. She didn't want that. She wanted to be numb, to get rid of the pain. And she knew if she stayed around Jay long enough, he would break down her walls and make her feel it all.  
Slowly she got up, shutting her eyes as a wave of dizziness hit her. She lifted a hand to her head, massaging away the headache that was beginning to form. Even though she felt like crap, the hangover wasn't as bad as it should have been after the amount of alcohol she had drunk the night before.

Hearing the clutter of utensils, she knew she couldn't leave without at least facing Jay, so she sighed and carefully made her way to the kitchen. She was greeted with a sight that, even after everything that had happened in the past months, made her heart flutter in her chest. That was exactly what she was trying to avoid – Jay trying to make her feel better. It was what he always did – trying to protect her, to help her. But she didn't deserve his help. And, seeing him in his black sweatpants and grey T-shirt, setting up plates with scrambled eggs and bacon, her favourite breakfast meal, she hated him for being so… Jay-ish.

"Hey. How'd you sleep?"

"Fine. "

"Do you want me to give you some sweatpants?"

It was then that she realized she was wearing his Hawks jersey. She didn't even remember putting it on the night before. It was big on her, swallowing her whole frame, but she still tugged on the hem, trying to cover her bare legs. She felt out of place. She wasn't Jay's girlfriend. They broke it off because of her issues, so why was she in his kitchen, wearing his favourite jersey after sleeping in his bed? She didn't deserve any of this. He had suffered so much because of her and she wanted nothing more than to distance herself from him so that she couldn't hurt him again. However, he seemed to be intent on making it _so_ hard for her to do that.

"No. Actually, I think I'm gonna leave."

Her voice was cold and the look in her eyes was blank. Now that the effects of the alcohol had worn off, she was back to shutting him out. Jay sighed, having predicted her reaction.

"Please, Erin. You had a rough night, at least sit down and eat a little and drink some coffee."

She was actually hungry and coffee was exactly what she needed to make the hangover go away, so she found herself agreeing to his offer, deciding to leave after breakfast.

"Fine. "

They ate in silence, with an air of awkwardness between them that rarely if ever happened. Even after their break-up, they had managed to fall back into their partner routine fairly quickly, keeping an understandable emotional distance but still able to work together in perfect synch. Now the space between them was so big that it made Jay wonder what he would have to do to get through to Erin. His thoughts were interrupted by the clatter of her fork against the plate.

"I'm done. Can I go now or are you going to lock me in?"

She sounded so angry, but Jay knew it was all an act. She was taking it out on him because she knew he cared and she didn't want him to care. She wanted to be around Bunny and probably the guy from the other night, because they didn't have high expectations of her. They were the only ones who wouldn't try to make her feel better or say that it's not her fault. She blamed herself and she wanted to be surrounded by people who wouldn't tell her otherwise.

"If you want to take it out on me, that's fine. I know you don't want to talk about it and we don't have to talk right now. I don't want to lock you in here, but I do want to show you something. It involves leaving the apartment, with me. Please, just give it a try. "

Erin sighed, knowing that he wouldn't just let her leave. The kindness in his eyes didn't exactly make things easier, either.

"Fine. But if I don't feel like it, and I'm sure I won't, whatever it is, I get to leave and you'll stop bugging me."

Her words were harsh but Jay didn't feel hurt by them, understanding that he was colliding with Erin's defense mechanism. He knew how she was wired, because he was the same - his mind flashed to the time after his tour overseas. Time he had spent pushing people away, because they were trying to make him feel better and he didn't think he deserved it.  
He knew exactly what Erin was going through, he just had to find a way to help her fight through the darkness.

"We'll see." – He couldn't promise to leave her alone, even if it was what she wanted at the moment. He wouldn't stop trying until he managed to reach her, and until then, he was fine with being her figurative punching bag. 

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**Thanks for reading! If you got to this part, then please LEAVE A REVIEW. It makes my day. Whatever your opinion is, I appreciate any thoughts that you have!  
An intense chapter 3 coming your way soon.. ;)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys, happy Friday :)) Thank you so much for the support you've shown, I'm so glad you like this story! Here's chapter 3 :)  
**

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They left the apartment half an hour later, after taking quick showers and only speaking when necessary. Jay was still in his sweatpants, but had put on a matching black T-shirt and Erin was wearing her jeans paired with another one of his jerseys, which she only agreed to wearing because her own shirt was stained from the previous night's events. She was getting more irritated by the minute, going along with Jay's plan only because she knew he wouldn't stop bugging her if she didn't. She desperately tried to shut him out and not let his baby blue eyes melt her defenses away.

Neither made a comment when he got into the driver seat and started steering them in a direction still unknown to Erin. On a normal day, she would have tried to steal the keys even though it was his car, and he would have made another comment about feeling like a house-husband. This morning, however, the tension between them was palpable. Jay's heart was breaking every time he saw the blank look on Erin's face, and he hoped his idea would work and allow him to reach her.

When the car came to a stop, Erin looked through the window to see a familiar building on her right.

"Antonio's friend's gym?" – She wasn't successful in hiding the surprise in her voice.

"It was. Now, it's Antonio, Roman and me…and Voight, sort of."

"What?"

"We just bought it out. Come on."

Erin hesitated, but followed Jay as he unlocked the doors and let them in. The deal had been finalized but the gym wasn't officially re-opened yet, so Jay had sent a quick message to Antonio telling him he'd bring Erin there and making sure that they would be alone.

"Jay, I don't know what…"

"Look. When I was in the army, boxing really helped me release the stress. I just thought… we used to love coming here before work, so maybe we could give it a try if you're feeling up to it. "

Erin sighed loudly. _Damn, Jay Halstead always knew exactly what to say._ He rarely mentioned his days as a soldier, so the little information he provided made her react. Combined with the mention of the hours they had spent in this very place, spoken in the softest voice, and he managed, for the second time that day, to convince her not to leave.

"Okay."

The smallest of smiles appeared on Jay's face, and a little bit of hope settled in his chest. He knew his Erin Lindsay was still there, he just had to find a way to get through to her, as Voight had told him in the precinct.

He took a pair of boxing gloves and handed them to Erin, before taking the round punch mitts for himself. Both of them climbed onto the ring and stood opposite one another.

"Okay, show me what you got."

Erin, still hesitant, started out slow. She aimed her punches at the mitts on Jay's hands, focusing on them and nothing else. Jay watched closely as her eyebrows furrowed in concentration and her lips pressed tightly together.  
As the minutes passed, however, she grew more and more determined and her punches became more aggressive. The serious look on her face was soon replaced by one of desperation. Her lips parted and she started taking in sharp breaths, which echoed around the empty gym.

Jay had predicted this reaction. It was the reason he had brought her there in the first place – he had hoped that the physical exercise would allow for her anger and pain to resurface. He knew how it felt trying to block all the emotions out, and he also knew it wasn't healthy to keep them bottled up. It was better to express those feelings somehow, to release the pent-up tension. That was the only way to start the healing process.

As he allowed Erin to throw punches his way, he saw tears forming in her eyes and noticed that her breathing was becoming irregular. She was so distressed she was starting to hyperventilate. Jay backed away a step, but she advanced on him, not able to stop now that she was releasing all the stress she had been through. The inhuman sound that left her throat, reminding him of the one she had made when she saw Nadia's dead body, made Jay realize the exercise was enough for now.

"Erin. Erin, stop. Stop, it's okay. Shhh."

He quickly removed the mitts from his hands, not even flinching as she continued to punch, this time hitting his torso. She was sobbing now and he hugged her to himself, not letting go when she struggled to get away. After a few moments she finally stilled and allowed him to hold her. Her strength left her all at once and suddenly his arms were the only thing holding her up. Jay felt her knees give out and lowered them both to the floor. He gently took her arms and removed the gloves, then embraced her once again. Cupping the back of her head in his hand, he whispered in her ear.

"It's alright. Shhhh. Just breathe. It's okay, Er."

She lifted her head from the crook of his neck and looked at him. The unbearable sadness he saw in her eyes made him vow that he would forever do whatever he could to help her.

"It's not okay. She's dead. She's gone and it's all because of me."

"No, hey, listen to me." – When Erin didn't react, Jay crooked his finger under her chin and lifted her head to meet her eyes. – "It wasn't your fault. What happened to Nadia, what that monster did to her, it's not on you. It's on him. "

"But if I hadn't meddled in her life, she would have been fine."

"That's not true, Erin. Do you remember how Nadia was when we found her? She wouldn't have been 'fine' without you and she sure as hell wouldn't have been studying to become a cop. You helped her get better; you gave her a second chance. _That_ is on you."

"And what about Hank? What about you, Jay? Everyone I care about I end up hurting."

"Hey, Hank may be rough around the edges, but he loves you so much. And me? You haven't hurt me, Erin. You made me happier than I had ever been."

Erin sniffled in response and Jay knew it would take more than one conversation to convince her. He was glad though that she was starting to come out of her shell. As heartbreaking as it was to watch her suffer, he knew letting it all out was necessary in order to move on. Jay tightened his hold on her and stayed like that for a few minutes, allowing her to catch her breath and calm down.

"You know what? How about we clean up a bit and then take a walk in the park? The weather's nice today."

Erin nodded, wiping her eyes. This was exactly what she hadn't wanted, but now, after crying for the first time in days, she appreciated that Jay hadn't left her alone. She felt slightly better after releasing some of the emotions she had been blocking out since Nadia's death, and she had to admit that the boxing gym idea had been a good one. It would still be awhile before she admitted that to Jay, though.

Jay discreetly left Erin to freshen up in the restroom and gave her a small smile when she emerged a few minutes later. Her eyes were still puffy and red, but her face was dry and she looked a little bit more like the old Erin, Jay's tough partner that he'd come to care about so much.  
They left the gym in silence and after stopping by their favorite coffee place, headed to the park, each with a steaming cup in hand.

"Erin…" – Jay started out tentatively, knowing that after the brief moments of vulnerability, Erin would be even more adamant about distancing herself from him.

"Look, Jay. I really should go."

Jay turned to look at her instantly, swallowing hard and shaking his head. It was like she had waited for him to say something in order to shut him down right away.

"No. Go where? Back to Bunny's bar?" – His words weren't harsh, if anything, they were dripping with concern.

"It's none of your business anyway." – There, she was back to shutting him out. He knew her so well and yet he didn't know what to do in order for her to let him in. He hated himself for that. – "I don't need your help or your lectures, Jay. I just wanna be alone."

"I'm not here to lecture you. I told you this morning, Erin. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to right now. But I also once told you that I will always have your back and I meant it."

There was a quick flash of recognition and pain in her eyes, so quick that he would have missed it if he hadn't kept his own eyes trained on hers. Although her stare turned blank again, he knew he had managed to hit a nerve saying that, making her remember their break-up and their promise to be there for each other no matter what. Making her remember what they had not too long ago.

"Look, why don't we just sit on that bench over there for a while? You don't have to talk. Please. "

They stared into each other's eyes for a few moments before Erin shrugged, sighing loudly and walking over to the bench. Jay followed her, glad that his methods, although he himself wasn't entirely sure what they were, seemed to be working for now.

They had been sitting for a while, both lost in thought, when suddenly Jay's soft voice cut through the silence:

"You know why I vouched for Mouse when I brought him to the unit?" – Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Erin stiffen and turn her lead just a little in his direction. She didn't say anything, but he knew she was listening.

"One day, in Afghanistan… we were driving in a convoy, me and Mouse in the lead Humvee. All of a sudden there's a big explosion and we're thrown in the air. I don't remember much after that, just bits and pieces. There was smoke and fire and I heard screams all around me, but I couldn't move. I remember trying to look around and just seeing blood everywhere. Turns out one of the Humvees behind us drove like an inch to the right and triggered a land mine. "

Jay's eyes clouded with tears. He never talked about his time in the army and no one except Mouse knew that story. He had decided to share it to try and get through to Erin, to show her that he understood her pain. But deep down, he knew that it was for his own benefit as well. He had been keeping the memories of his time overseas to himself for so long, and although he hadn't gone down the same path as Erin, he was still struggling under the weight of it all.

"Anyway, I was hurt pretty badly. A piece of shrapnel was lodged in my abdomen and I couldn't move. The last thing I remember was Mouse crawling over to me and telling me to hang on. I found out later that he had managed to get me to safety and then remove the thing and stop the bleeding, while he was injured himself."

Erin couldn't help but release a short gasp. Jay's story had captured her attention. Even when they had been together, he hadn't shared anything about his military past and she knew it was a very difficult subject for him. She watched as he lowered his head and rubbed his eyes, trying to stop the tears that were threatening to fall. Her own eyes filled with tears when he turned to look at her, sadness written all over his face.

"Me and Mouse were the only ones who made it back home. Out of our whole unit. "

"Jay…" – Erin didn't know what to say. She had gone from being angry and ready to leave to wanting to reach out and squeeze Jay's hand. She felt confused, she hadn't even wanted to stay with him but somehow he had convinced her and now she was listening to a story she knew he had probably not shared with anyone else. Still, she kept her distance and didn't reach out to him, and could only watch as a few tears rolled down his cheek and he brushed them away. He turned to look at her again.

"Erin, I just… I just want you to know that I understand what you're going through. The guys from my unit, they had so much potential. Some of them had wives and kids waiting at home. And then they were dead, just like that. None of them deserved it, and neither did Nadia."

Erin flinched at the mention of her late friend's name, closing her eyes briefly to try and control her emotions.

"You were right earlier, in the gym. Saying that it's all gonna be okay is wrong, because the people we lost are never coming back. That feeling of guilt? It never completely goes away. Even though everyone tells you you're not to blame, and you know they're right, you still feel like you could have done something. I… I still wonder why I survived and they didn't. But this is how it is, Erin. We're here and they're not. It's unfair and sad and so frustrating, but we can't bring those people back. All we can do is try to live our lives honoring them."

Erin looked up at Jay and they locked eyes, neither trying to hide their emotions. Silent tears rolled down both their cheeks. Hesitantly, Jay reached out and gently squeezed Erin's shoulder, trying to comfort her while still maintaining some distance. She didn't flinch or try to pull away, so they stayed like that for a while, both taking their time to pull themselves together.

"Jay, I can't… I don't know how to deal with all this. I don't know if I can talk about it."

"You don't…"

"Wait." – Erin didn't let him finish, already knowing what he was about to say. – "Thank you for sharing that story, I know it must be so hard for you. I appreciate what you did today and last night. But… I don't know where I'm going from here. I just don't know right now. So I'm going to go, okay?"

Erin stood up and Jay followed suit.

"Hey. I don't need you to explain yourself to me. But if you feel the need to talk, or cry, or punch someone, you call me. That's why you have backup." – He managed to bring the tiniest smile on her face.

"You know I quit, right?"

"I know that you need some time. But I'm not giving up on you, Erin. And for the record, neither is Intelligence."

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 **So, for this chapter I had two main ideas that I'd really love to see play out on the show - Jay bringing Erin to the gym now that the guys own it, and Jay sharing something from his past (btw, if there are any incorrect terms in his story, I apologize, I made it up without really doing any research). The gym would be a great place for Erin to release stress and distance herself from negative influences. And seeing Jay open up about his past I think could also help her.**  
 **Tell me what you think! Reviews are appreciated :) The next chapter is the last one (at least for now) and I'll have it up soon.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey, guys! Thank you so much for your reviews, follows and favourites. This is the last chapter of the story(at least for now), I hope you enjoy it!  
**

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After their talk at the park, Jay had decided to give Erin some space, as hard as it was for him to not be able to keep an eye on her. He hadn't called her in the following days, resolving to give her time to think and reach out to her again in a few if he didn't hear from her. There was only one thing he couldn't stop himself from doing and that was going to Bunny's bar each night.  
He had spent hours in his car around the corner, occasionally walking over to the windows to make sure that Erin wasn't inside. He hoped that his words had reached Erin and that she at least hadn't decided to return to the bar. So far, in the two nights following their encounter, she hadn't been back, and he was relieved. Not that he knew what she did during the day, but he hoped she wasn't surrounding herself with more people similar to her excuse of a mother.

Jay had returned to work after saying goodbye to Erin in the park. He had only gone back home for a quick shower and had headed to the district, not wanting to be alone with his thoughts for the rest of the day. Voight had agreed with him that it was a good idea to give Erin a few days' time to think things through. Jay was relieved that his boss wasn't mad that he had let Erin leave. They were still on the same page and the young detective barely recognized his boss. Just a few weeks ago he had been sure he would be thrown out of the unit if he and Erin made their relationship public. Now, as he listened to Voight's somehow soft voice talking about Erin, Jay knew he had his support. And despite everything that was going on, a little part of him hoped that maybe, after Erin was back on her feet again, he would get his blessing, too. Because even though Erin was a mess at the moment, Jay was still holding onto that 'one day'.

Work had been difficult for the whole team. They had made a successful bust of a drug cartel, a case which had taken three days to solve. The members of the cartel hadn't gone down without a fight and Antonio, Adam and Jay all had the bruises to prove it. So Jay was more than happy to leave work the night after finishing up the case. He was sitting on his couch, icing his left eye which was almost bruised shut, when he heard his phone ring. He did a double-take when he saw the name flashing on the screen.

"Erin?"

"Hey. Um… you said I could call…"

"Of course, what's going on?"

"Um… " – He heard her clear her throat and he wondered if she was crying. – "Could I maybe come over?"

The question took him by surprise, he hadn't expected her to call him at all, let alone come to his apartment.

"Sure. Are you okay to drive?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. Is it okay if I'm there in 20 minutes?"

His heart broke a little at her question. Even before they were together, she had been comfortable in his home, coming over after shift without even bothering to call first. And for the month they had been a couple, she had spent most of her nights there. It pained him that now she felt the need to ask if the timing was appropriate.

"Of course it's okay."

They hung up and, in exactly 20 minutes, he heard a knock on the door. He was glad that she had called him when she did, because he had been planning to go to Bunny's bar again soon after.  
When he opened the door, he was startled for a second. It had only been two days and a half since he had seen her but somehow she seemed different. She looked small and fragile, and so tired.  
Erin looked up at Jay and gasped when she noticed his swollen eye and the cut on his lower lip.

"What happened?"

"Oh, this? It's nothing. You should see the other guy. " – So typical, she thought. Always downplaying the situation, even when he was clearly in pain. – "Come in."

Erin walked in, hesitating when she reached the couch. She glanced at Jay, all of a sudden feeling ashamed and out of place, but relaxed a little when he nodded at her. They settled on the couch, keeping their distance like they did on the park bench. Erin fiddled with her hands for a while, looking down at her lap, and Jay patiently waited, knowing that there was a reason for her visit.

"I slept with Landon." – The emotion in her own voice surprised her. She gathered the courage to look at Jay, who seemed stunned.

"O…kay. Who's Landon?" – Jay was sure he already knew the answer. He had promised himself a few days ago that he wouldn't judge Erin before hearing her out, but he couldn't help the pang of jealousy that stung in his chest.

Erin sighed loudly. She had started this, there was no backing out now.

"I know him from way back. Bunny… she thought it would be a good idea for me and him to 'catch up'."

Knowing that Bunny being involved was never a good sign, Jay clenched his fist, a gesture that didn't go unnoticed by Erin.

"That night when you went to Molly's… We had a lot to drink and he had some pills with him. So I took some. And then one thing led to another…" – She couldn't believe she was telling this to Jay. It seemed so wrong but she felt the need to talk and she couldn't go to Voight with this, at least not in the moment. – "I just wanted to forget. I wanted to feel numb and not have to think about anything."

Their eyes met and Jay's eyes filled with tears when he saw the desperation written on Erin's face, the plea for him to understand.

"Erin, I…"

"No, please, just… I need to finish." – Waiting for Jay to nod, Erin took a deep breath and continued. – "The next night, when you saw him in my apartment… it wasn't how it looked, Jay. He was waiting for me in the hall and offered to keep me company. I refused at first but he had brought some alcohol and I let him in, and then those cops ambushed me. Nothing else happened. I thought he would leave me alone after that but tonight he was there again."

"What?" – The concern in Jay's voice surprised her. She thought he would be mad or disappointed after hearing her confession. He had looked so shocked seeing her with Landon and she felt the need to explain that it wasn't how it seemed. Somehow, even in the state she was in, she didn't want to disappoint Jay and she didn't want him to think she didn't care about him.

"He didn't do anything, but he had a bottle of tequila and some pills with him again. I didn't take any." – She quickly assured Jay, sensing his reaction.

"So you decided to call me?"

Nodding, Erin thought back to just an hour earlier. She had been tempted to let Landon in, allow him to pour her drinks and push pills into her hands and then sleep with him when she got high. But she'd kept thinking of Jay and the moments they had shared a couple of days ago. Somehow, it had prevented her from going down that path again, and she had sent Landon on his way, slamming the door in his face. She wasn't afraid that he would hurt her, he was just looking to party hard, but she couldn't bring herself to do it with him.

"I told him to leave and went into my apartment. But I just… I didn't want to stay there."

Jay understood. Between Nadia's death and the hostage situation, he knew it must be very difficult for her to stay there on her own. And he found himself unable to be mad at her for sleeping with that guy, understanding that she did it in a desperate attempt to shut the world out.

"You can stay here if you want."

Erin's head snapped up and her eyebrows rose in honest surprise. She knew Jay would hear her out, but she hadn't expected for him to react so calmly.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, Erin. I don't blame you for… _being_ with that guy. I've done some things out of grief, too. And anyway, we're not together. "- Both winced slightly at that statement. -"I'm more concerned about the drugs than anything else."

Erin nodded, having predicted that he would say something about the pills.

"I just… I just needed it to stop, Jay. I see her all the time, lying there, in the sand…" – Her voice shook and she shut her eyes, unable to stop the tears from falling.

"Erin." – Jay scooted closer to her and took her in his arms, and cried with her silently as he felt her whole body tremble. He kissed her hair and held her tightly until she calmed down and collected herself. After a few minutes, he took a deep breath and pulled away slightly so that he could look into her eyes, but his hands didn't leave her shoulders. – "Listen to me. I know dealing with the pain is hard. The grief is so big that you feel overwhelmed so you try to block it all out. I've been there. But the alcohol, and the pills… they're not going to help. They're not going to bring Nadia back, Erin. And they don't honor her memory. She got clean, she got her life together. She wouldn't want you to do this to yourself, and you know that's the truth." – Jay knew bringing up Nadia's past would be hard for Erin, but it was time for him to say everything out loud. The truth was harsh, but it was always better than lying to yourself and to the ones you love. And it was his only way to get through to Erin.

"I know. I just don't know how to handle this. It's too much."

"Then share it with me. Don't shut me out, Erin. Let me help."

Erin stiffened, suddenly aware that she was dragging Jay into her mess. It was as if she had been in a trance for the past half an hour. She didn't even know how she had ended up calling him, but now she found herself regretting it. She was leaning on him and she shouldn't be, not when he would get hurt in the end. He was so good to her even after everything she had caused. She couldn't hurt him again. What was she doing here?

"Jay." – Her voice sounded foreign, like she had just woken up from a dream. Jay immediately noticed the change in her behavior. – "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come here."

Erin tried to stand up, but Jay still had a firm hold on her arms. He pulled her back down, not too roughly but with enough strength to make her look at him again. He wasn't about to let her leave when she was just beginning to open up to him.

"No."

"Jay, just let me go. I can't bring you into this, I'll only end up hurting you again. Let me go."

Erin struggled to get out of his grasp, but Jay was much stronger and held her in place.

"Erin, stop and listen. Listen to me." – His voice was sharp and loud and it made her stop fighting him. It was a lost cause anyway, she was tough but he was taller and stronger and _a man_ , so she let out a defeated sigh and looked up at him. – "I told you the other day that you made me happier than I had ever been, and I meant it. My mother passed away. I don't talk to my father. Will… he's here now but who knows how long it'll be before he leaves again. You have been my one constant in these past couple of years, Erin. Even if you decide to never go back to Intelligence, you'll always be my partner and I'll always have your back."

Jay paused, waiting for Erin's comeback, but it never came. He saw he had her full attention, so he let go of her shoulders and reached for her hand instead. Taking a deep breath, he continued, this time in a softer voice.

"If our roles were reversed, you would be fighting for me like I'm fighting for you now. I just need you to fight, too. Just a little bit. The real Erin Lindsay is still in there somewhere, you just have to find her."

"This is the real me, Jay. Alcohol and drugs, and random guys, just like my shitty mom. "

"Don't ever say that again. You are nothing like her. You only went to her because there you could pretend that nothing had happened. I know that going down that path, back to your past and avoiding the pain is the easy way out. But the _real_ Erin, the one I fell in love with, she's the strongest person I know and she _never_ takes the easy way out. "

Erin took in a sharp breath and she looked up at Jay, her eyes wide and filled with tears. For a second Jay wondered why she looked so shocked, and then it hit him. He hadn't even admitted it to himself up until now, but saying that he was in love with her sounded so right, and it was. Those were the truest words he had ever spoken.

"Did you just-?" – Erin's stunned voice echoed in the room.

"Yeah, Erin. I said that I'm in love with you, and I mean it. I know we… I know we're not together anymore but I haven't given up on us." - There was a slight tremble in Jay's words. He was aware that what he had just let slip out could drive Erin even further away from him, but he didn't regret saying it.

"Jay." – It was merely a whisper, her voice caught in her throat.

"I'm not going to push you, okay? You don't have to decide anything right now, about work or about me. You need time and I get that. For now, how about we just stay here, order some Chinese and watch TV? Or you can go to sleep. Whatever you want."

Erin stayed quiet for a while, brushing away the tears that had streaked her cheeks. She tilted her head up and her eyes met Jay's. The tenderness and compassion and love that she saw in them reminded her of the night of her high school reunion, all those months ago. He had held her hand, like he was holding it at this very moment, and had managed to erase the thoughts of her past with the same exact look she was gazing at now, a few bruises aside. She realized then that he was right – getting into the mess that Nadia had managed to escape from did nothing to honor her memory. She needed to try and get better and surround herself with people who cared about her late friend as much as she did.

Once again, her mind flashed back to the night of the reunion, when Jay had promised her 'one day', and she realized that the bright blue eyes she wanted to drown in had actually become her lifeline. And while Erin couldn't make any promises yet, for the first time since Nadia's death, she found herself willing to fight.

"Is it okay if we get pizza instead of Chinese?" – Her voice was gentle and her eyes sincere.

Jay cracked a smile, the crooked one he reserved just for her, and squeezed Erin's hand.

"Whatever you want." – He repeated, unable to keep the relief out of his voice. Erin Lindsay had just taken the first step to recovery.

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 **That's it! I'm actually quite happy with how this chapter, and the whole story, turned out, and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Reviews are appreciated :) Fingers crossed that we'll get some nice Linstead angst and maybe even romance in s3!**

 **P.S.: I might continue this or write a separate sequel(or a different Linstead story) later in the summer if I get inspired :)**


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